Me in 2009, fake smile, exhausted Me 2018 real smile, on my path to bigger things.
Hey there darlin,
Offering the short version of my story, showing up vulnerable and open will hopefully allow you feel you can be real with me as well.
I am flawed, broken and scarred. I have been through my share of pain and trauma. I have pulled myself out of the dark place with the last ounce of my strength, multiple times.
As a youngster I was empathic and had no idea what that meant. No one put that word in my vocabulary. I felt things, new things, heard things and had no understanding of it and why. As I grew up the anxiety around being so sensitive escalated.
I threw up daily before junior high, isolated most of high school and didn't have many friends I trusted.
When I was 15, my older sister got into a horrific car accident and almost died. She is still with us, but an amputee of one half of her left leg. Cleaning and dressing her stump is a memory burned in my brain forever.
At 19 my father suddenly passed, he was a stern man and to this day I long for closure and to hear "I love you." He didn't say it when he was alive.
I moved to Colorado at age 26 to rekindle a love from years past. Red flags everywhere but my fear, anxiety, insecurity, codependency and weakness, lead me to having kids and getting married.
Over the years I became increasingly sick. Pregnancy put me in the hospital getting IV treatments due to sever throwing up all day, every day, not able to eat and severe dehydration. My daughter was born at 28 weeks due to placenta previa. She was 2lbs 8 oz. I had to get an emergency c section, lost more than 2 liters of blood and almost died. She was in the NICU for 3 months fighting for her life. We took turns visiting her. I pumped milk for her feeding tube, she was never able to breast feed.
Then the DCFS came after use because she had ethanol in her stool. They accused me of drinking 7 shots of hard liquor daily while pregnant. They threatened to take our kids. It was from Purrell on the nurse's hands, that got in her stool. That was a nightmare right after the nightmare of her traumatic birth. More stress we didn't need, I was trying to heal from surgery and massive blood loss, trauma of seeing my tiny weak daughter barely hangin on, tubes and wires all over her, machines beeping constantly, feeding tubes, oxygen up her nose. Constantly being poked at and messed with while in her incubator. Her head was literally the size of an apple. The nurses saved her life, I am forever grateful for them all. It was just so hard to see your baby like that.
I was terrified to hold her; she was so tiny a frail. She just squeaked, couldn't even cry the first several weeks. Gosh that was a tough time in life, so much trauma. To this day she has issues with being touched. I do remember her first smile, my mom was holding her and talking. We cried for a while that day. What a tough girl.
Aubrey came home on her due date. That was a day of pure joy and total fear. After a few months of her home and things settling into a routine, I needed solace, something to bring me peace. I found yoga teacher training. It sang to my heart so loudly, guides at work leading me to my salvation before I knew they were there.
This really helped validate me, but I was still nauseated, dizzy, couldn't swallow well, couldn't enjoy food, hair falling out, anxious, fearful, angry. More fake it till you make it. Being a yoga instructor means you have to present as a perpetual channel for zen, not me. I did my best and really wanted that zen for myself and others, it did help but wasn't the cure.
I faked my way through life at this time, just becoming a feeding, diapering, sleep deprived, love deprived numbed out blur. I felt grey, I looked grey and that was a majority of my life. Fake it till you make it. I enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom, but my deep desire for more was constantly burning. The sense of urgency to create my own security and feel strong again, overwhelmed my mind daily. I had visions of my own business, financial security of my own and being free. I was stuck for years, not able to make a move. Don't get me wrong, seeing all the milestones of my babies and being with them every day, was a huge blessing. We decided this together. There are sacrifices every parent makes to honor what their children need at that time. I wouldn't take it back. If you are a stay-at-home mom or once was, you know what I am talking about. It is the hardest job I have ever had. The struggles of motherhood and my life at that time, led me to the healer I am today. Who knows where I would be today without those experiences?
Inevitably as the years went by, I felt myself sinking. I lost myself completely, my marriage was a fake mess of pretending we were ok just to survive. It wasn't ok, it was miserable. I was miserable. I was sick and nauseated all the time, couldn't eat, no intimacy, no alone time, tons of anxiety about security and the future it sucked. I was constantly worried about money and my long-term survival for all of us. I was in fight or flight for I'd solidly say 17 years. Hoping that someday it would feel authentic, safe and right. I really wanted it to work and the happily ever after. I did love him for a time, but years of rejection, manipulation and not being heard lead to everything falling apart. We both tried for a long time.
After multiple doctors putting me on anti-depressants and going nearly insane trying to wean off, I finally found a doctor that got to the root cause.
Gluten allergic, apparently worst she has ever seen. Leaking gut, chronic inflammation, eosinophilic esophagitis, stricture in my throat of scar tissue, that's why I couldn't swallow well, oh and auto immune inflamed thyroid. Energetically shut down from not being able to swallow or stomach my marriage and life. Yes, emotional discontent and chronic worry will make you sick.
Long treatments, to heal my gut, gluten free life change, complete dietary overhaul. 3 esophageal procedures to stretch the throat with a balloon they put down my esophagus and blew it up. Tears tissues and healing was painful, but I could swallow again. Lots of change for me here, transitioning towards my healing.
All the suffering led me to seek more healing. Thats when I found Healing Touch. All my sensitivities finally made sense. This was a revelation in healing for me. What I felt from others, got a name. What I felt in me, finally I was validated. I wasn't crazy, I was empathetic, am empathic. I am intuitive not loony tunes. I learned how to use this as a gift, not a curse. I could feel energy and it gave me information on total strangers, that was validated.
The voices are my angels, helping me. Those intuitive hits of information were them trying to reach me. All of a sudden, my purpose was there. I wanted more than anything to help others not feel the way I have felt for years. I was elated and happy again, excited for my future. That burning desire grew, and my determination was ignited like never before. Empowering others was my mission, my purpose in this life. Yureka goosebumps, validity, meaning, the grey turned to the vibrant rainbow colors of the chakras. And so it began!!!!!
As I did energy healing for others my business blossomed. My gifts developed and my learning was at full throttle. Couldn't get enough reading, workshops, videos, movies on energy, meditation, visualization, manifesto. Soaking it in like I've done this before. In some way it felt familiar. But still there was more for me, I felt it, I was divinely guided and remembered the hit to do bodywork and healing I received at age 17. In comes Neuro Muscular Therapy and massage school. Perfect!! I felt others energy coming from specific areas. If I could treat those physically and energetically that would be so cool. Sooooo meant to be, my business keeps growing, my mind expanding.
Looking forward to present day..... 1 year after my separation my auto immune was healed, fancy that. Meditations on healing my esophagus daily, seeing the healing in high vibrational color. YESSSS
For years I worked on manifesting the future I wanted. I saw my divorce when kids were teens. I saw me not growing old with him.
I saw the man's energy that would hold space for me, and flow with me. Saw my business growing, my healing abilities evolving further, my guides by my side, in front and behind me. I saw myself financially secure for the first time with no debt, I saw my heart filled with joy, my confidence growing out of " I can't be more then this life I hate." All those years of meditating on what I wanted and asking my guides to help align it for me at the right timing. Seeing it, feeling it, pulling it in. Manifesto baby, it works, I'm living proof.
Now I am extatically divorced. Believe me it was a scary and painful moment in my life, no doubt. Feelings of failing my kids, breaking up the family, starting over, losing my house, living with my mom or in the ghetto. Tons of raw fear, but I did it, I had to to survive, it all went down during quarantine no less. It was awful but time does heal, and we are both much happier.
My business has blown up since he left, my body is happy and healed, my new love is amazing and loves all of me. My kids are healthy, I kept my house in the divorce. I bought a horse, a lifelong dream, she heals me. My life is divinely guided by higher wisdom. I listen to that now every moment I tap in. I know what those voices are, what the energy is, how it feels, how to use it to guide me.
Next guided vision is coaching. I feel others pain and hear their discontent. People talk to me about their struggles, I feel the blocks in their tissues and energy fields. The body talks to me too. It only makes perfect sense to me, to add coaching and combo it with vibrational energy training. YESSSSSSSS it will be awesome!!!!!!!
So, you see I have been through some stuff too and that's not even all of it. With all the times I wanted to give up, gosh. The misery would only end if my life did, no hope no positive anywhere to be seen, I did not give up. I persevered and my kids were the only motivator a lot of the times. I kept thinking how my dad left us when I was just a kid and how bad that messed me up. I couldn't be that selfish to traumatize them and leave them motherless. So, I kept searching.
All the years of me seeking more healing, more relief, more joy, has led me down this path and has secured my future. I want to help you find your path too. I'm not an expert on life, nore am I an expert at coaching, not yet anyway. I will always keep learning, but my journey has taught me so much and it only feels right to share what I have learned about stillness, awareness, high vibrational healing, manifesto, visualization, having goals to move towards, mindset and overcoming fearful obstacles. You deserve to feel fulfilled and powerful, and I would be honored to help you get there.
In light and truth,